Eleven Years

I write a fashion and style blog. I write about fun things like tulle skirts and glitter shoes and dressing for your body type. I write about new products and lovely things like handbags and faux fur. I don't write about death and illness. Yet here I am again sitting here writing a post on death and heartache. 

I wasn't going to do this again this year. I wasn't going to take up space writing about the anniversary of my mother's death. Yet here I am once again writing feverishly to put all of my thoughts down on paper. 

I don't like to focus on death- I like to focus on living life. And yet when I begin to feel sad or start to focus on death, it comes back to focusing on life. Let me explain.

Eleven years ago today my mom took her last breath on earth and her first breath in Heaven. I remember it so vividly and I hope I never forget it. I won't tell the story again but I will say that every time you leave your loved ones, make sure you tell them how much you love them because it could be the last time you see them. I remember doing just that the day before she passed. I remember giving her a hug and kiss and I remember her telling me that she was ready to go, she just wasn't ready to leave all of us. 

Death passed over into life. She is in Heaven today and I know I will see her again someday. I remember how she lived her life to the fullest even with illness and pain. She was full of corny jokes and sayings and weird actions but you know, she's your mom. It's weird now that I'm a mom, I see she really wasn't all that bad...I find myself becoming like her in some ways but yet having enough discretion to remember things I didn't like and try not to pass those on to my son. You parents all know what I'm talking about! 

I will admit that when I did my Forty Before Forty, I was thinking ahead. My mom died when she was only 51- I need to get things done! I'm not afraid to live but I do want to have that same fearlessness and zest for life that I saw in my mom- even in the bad times. I don't want to live with regrets or "I wish I would have"s. 

It's funny that the older we get, the younger everyone else seems! I can't believe they are forty! Wow! I feel old! That's not that old... These are are things I hear myself saying from time to time but the goal is to live life to the fullest. 

People say it will get easier over time. I can assure you that it does. Time doesn't heal all wounds but when you allow yourself to grieve and mourn properly, you realize that time has passed. Each year gets easier. I don't ever want to forget her memory or her legacy. We talk about my mom all the time to my son and I revel in the fact that he looks like her. It makes my heart swell with love and admiration. 

I realize that I've gone through things to help other people who are in the same situation as mine. Losing a loved one is hard- losing a mother is life-changing. I still wish I would have asked so many questions of her and gotten more information on things I didn't know I would need to know now! 

While time may have passed by, memories last a lifetime. It's weird that sometimes I still have dreams about her clear as day! I know she's watching down on us from Heaven and I know she would love the way I share her story with all of you. Writing is a way that I can remember things and grieve while hopefully helping someone else who has a burden that is hard to bear this time of year. 

Eleven years!  Today we celebrate her life-not her death. We celebrate the impact that she had on so many of us here on earth and we now celebrate her life in Heaven. We love and miss you, Mom. 

To all of my family and friends having a difficult time this season, may peace be with you during this time and may you feel comfort and joy.



  1. Sandae, you still look the same (except the hair), and, indeed, your son does resemble your mom quite a bit. I hope that writing this post gives you some peace with all the "what-ifs". Losing a mom is certainly life-changing, and I don't want to have that feeling. Your mom would be proud of the woman that you've become, and that boy who looks so much like her!
    Merry Christmas to you and your family!


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