Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Reflections on a Halloween Birthday

 

October 31 is Halloween.  For most people this date is a day filled with fun, candy, costumes, and pumpkins. For me it is my mom’s birthday.  My mom is no longer with us and has been gone for almost 10 years now.  Most days I am the daughter of a mother who has gone before me. I don’t give it a lot of thought.  Some days I don’t even think about her. Not because I don’t care or because I don’t love her, but because this is the norm.  No one knows this feeling or the pain that you bear unless if you have lost a parent.  No one knows how much you miss someone unless if they have been in your shoes. And no one knows how sometimes you forget their face or the scent of their perfume. I am fortunate enough to have a son who looks like my mother in his side profile but not everyone is so lucky to have this daily reminder. 


I remember a few years ago that I was at my in-laws house for Halloween celebrating with all of the kids and their families.  I remember having a conversation with my mother in law about how we did not grow up celebrating Halloween.  You see, my family was a part of the Independent Fundamental Baptist Church and they believed celebrating Halloween was wrong.  They believed it was a sin to celebrate a “devil’s holiday.” We grew up being the odd children, for more reasons than just this, who were not able to go trick or treating.  So, I was having this conversation with my mother in law and I was telling her that I did not remember what we used to do on Halloween since we didn’t celebrate.  Like it was yesterday, I remember all of a sudden stopping and remembering that the day I always dreaded was in fact here.  It was my mom’s birthday and for some reason, I had forgotten it. 


I do remember growing up and having a homemade cake for my mom’s birthday with some candles.  I do remember as I was older that she enjoyed going to have Mexican food on her birthday.  Why at that exact time I didn’t remember it was my mom’s birthday was beyond me.  I went home and reflected and thought about the time she had here on earth.  She was taken far too early at the age of 51.  I can’t even begin to describe how some days I miss her.


I am finally feeling like I am accomplishing some things in my personal and professional life.  I want so badly to pick up the phone and tell her about my new blog. I want so badly to tell her about how my son did in school today or the hilarious thing that he said.  You see, even though I know she is in Heaven looking down on me, there is still that want- that need- to talk to your mom.it wasn't even that she was my best friend. In fact, growing up I couldn't stand her most of the time. I think though now as an adult I think about what could have been. The birth of my son and her holding him for the first time, his first birthday, heck, even his eighth birthday. The fact that she isn't here is what gets me every time. 


I don’t even know why I have been so nostalgic and reflective lately about her.  I keep seeing things that remind me of her and how this year it will be 10 years since she has been gone.  I can’t tell you why I feel this way now but I do. It’s weird really to think how the first year dragged by.  All of the firsts.  The first Christmas, Mother’s Day, birthday, etc.  and then it was the second year, and the third, etc.  Now, it is close to being the tenth. Looking back, it has all been a blur. Maybe because it is a milestone-I don’t know- but this year I have been thinking more and more about her.


This might be one of the more solemn blog posts that I write but I wanted you all to know the influence that my mother was on me.   As an adult, I looked to her in awe at her strength while she was sick. I know I would never handle it as well as she did.  I believe the Lord does not give us more than what we can handle.  He knew she would be able to handle this and we would be able to eventually handle being here on this earth without our mother.  I believe that I now have the opportunity to help someone else who is going through the same thing.


I also looked to her in her firmness to stand strong in what she believed in.  Her professionalism and moral focus in the workplace has had a huge influence on me in my professional life. She was hard-working and dedicated-even to those who didn’t deserve it.


So Halloween is a fun day filled with tricks and treats.  For me it is still a day that I will reflect on the life that my mom lived and how she loved.  Don’t feel sorry for me either.  Sometimes people just need a hug or a smile to let you know that they are there for you if you want to talk. I am not in mourning over the loss of her life, only the loss of her presence right now on earth. While I am very different than my mother, I am also the same.  When people say, you are like your mother; I just laugh and think what she would say!


So here’s to you, Mom, on your birthday. I know you are having the best time on your birthday in Heaven and wouldn’t want anyone crying over you and not eating chocolate on this holiday.


I hope you all enjoy this day and take the time to love those that you have. Moms, take some pictures of you with your kids when they are little! I was having a hard time finding some! 


Thanks for reading and following along with me!


Enjoy these pictures of me and my mother.


Sandae



Always laughing and joking around! 


At my sister's wedding
In Hawaii- love the pose! 

At my wedding


9 comments:

  1. I lost my dad 10 years ago next month. I did not realize it was so close to when you lost your mom. I appreciated every line you were willing to share with us!
    p.s. I sure love reading your blog! :)

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    1. Thanks, Alicia! It will be ten years in December. I guess I didn't realize it was so close to your dad either! Thanks for your support.
      Sandae

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  2. Beautiful post, Sandae! Avery DOES bear a striking resemblance to her.

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    1. Thank you, Sharon! Yes from the side, the profile is amazingly similar.

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  3. ~sigh~ this is really nice...thanks Sandae.

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  4. I know exactly how you feel. There are days that I would love to just sit down with my mom, have a cup of tea and talk about everything and anything. I miss the fact that she is not her to see her only grandchild grow up and accomplish things in life. There are some days when I just sit and cry because I can not talk to my mom anymore. I am glad that I know where she is and one day I will see her again!

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  5. How beautifully written. I love that you shared this. My mil died this past Feb after a short, sudden diagnosis. I try to think of how my husband is feeling. The sadness. The regrets. The happy memories he's not ready to relive just yet. I totally agree with you about getting pis, videos, anything. You don't are in the moment, but you really want and need them when the person is gone.

    big ((huggies))

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  6. I did not know you lost your mother. Thank you for sharing this. I remember her from way back in Texas and from the sleepover you had. I remember that was one of the first sleepovers I was allowed to go to and I loved it. Heather G.

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